Lyrical Analysis of "Ice Ice Baby"

OK, so I heard the song "Ice Ice Baby" last night on the show Glee, and it got me thinking..."what the heck are these lyrics even about?!?" I've never really taken the time to think deeply about what Vanilla Ice is trying to tell us. Every time I've heard the song, a spasm of joyful-early-90's-hip-hop dancing, and completely ignored the lyrics. So, for today's super-important post, I will be decoding the symbolism, metaphor, irony, and depth of meaning that is present on this legendary song. Here goes:

All right stop, collaborate and listen

Apparently this song is best enjoyed when there is some sort of group effort put into understanding these lyrics. I must immediately stop doing what I was doing, and join forces with some other people in an effort to understand what is being communicated.

Ice is back with my brand new invention
Where was Ice before? No one had ever heard of him before this song!! Also, this brand new invention is apparently going to be revolutionary, like the light bulb, or the fax machine.

Something grabs a hold of me tightly

Something is grabbing and squeezing our beloved Vanilla Ice?! Maybe it was an early incarnation of the smoke monster from Lost.

Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly

Sheer poetry. All around the world, whalers are nodding their heads in stoic agreement.

Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know. Turn off the lights and I'll glow

Will what ever stop? The rhymes? Whatever was squeezing him before? The harpoon? Also, Ice has just revealed to us that he may be radioactive.

To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal, light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
I really think that Ice should reconsider before doing destructive things to the microphone. Otherwise, how else would we ever hear him? Also, he gets 14 extra bonus points for coming up with the "vandal-candle" rhyme scheme. Never even saw it coming...

Dance go rush to the speaker that booms

Here he's reaching out to that ever coveted "Geico caveman" demographic. Also toddlers.

I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom

Oh. Dear. God.

Deadly when I play a dope melody

Because when I think of the song "Ice Ice Baby", I instantly think of the power of melody.

Anything less than the best is a felony

I'm really glad to see that he is willing to hold himself criminally liable should this song not deliver the goods. That demonstrates real maturity and character.

Love it or leave it, you better gain way

Gain way could be misinterpreted as "gain weight" thus encouraging the youth of America to not make healthy food choices. Good thing Ice inspires so much dancing to counter his potentially irresponsible food messages.

You better hit bull's eye the kid don't play

So the kid is playing with a firearm? Or maybe a bow and arrow? Someone should alert the kid's parents quickly!

If there was a problem yo I'll solve it

Good, cuz I was about to panic. Ice has got this under control, people.

Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

I'm glad that this lyric draws my attention to the hook, because I frankly would have missed it. Those stupid 3 words go by so fast: "Ice, Ice Baby." Good thing he says it a few (thousand) times.

OK, I know that there's like 3 or 9 more verses, but this is all the lyrical genius that my brain can handle in one sitting. Maybe at some point in the future I'll analyze the other verses. For now, just remember that with all the poisonous mushrooms, vandalism of microphones, target practice, and felonies, this just may be one of the most dangerous verses ever written. Respect the Ice. Peace.